Family Dynamic and Theories

This week in class we talked all about different family theories and let me tell you. SO. INTERESTING. No family is the same but they all have similar patterns that can help us understand the behaviors of each individual. Which, again, is so interesting because the more you learn about the family theories the more you understand why you think and act the way you do. While I give my understanding and explanation on a few of my favorite family theories please think of how they show up in you individually and in your family, because I know for me it was a very telling experience.

Exchange theory: measuring the pro’s and cons, benefits and risks, costs and rewards in your relationships. I love this one because I always tried to be the person and friend who was there for others. I grew up hating talking about myself but also being slightly offended when no one thought to ask me about myself or what my thoughts are. I always felt so conflicted because I prided myself on caring about others when really a lot of the time I was so focused on if people ever thought of me. This led to some distorted thinking as you can imagine and here we are today. When this theory was taught to me I realized that this is definitely true in some aspects of my life and relationships. It was explained to me as a weight scale. You know the one that is often thought of in law. Where there are two sides and they balance depending on the weight of each side. So if one weighs more than the other then the balance is off. Basically the exchange theory is when individuals weigh the value of a relationship based on what they put in versus what they get out of it.

I hope you are thinking of examples of this in your life and while you think I will tell you of how this has manifested in my life. In my senior year of high school, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive disorder and with all that stinking thinking I had, I thought that I was a drag to my friends. I thought I wasn’t pretty enough and didn’t get enough guy’s attention and so I wasn’t putting in enough to be their friends. This made me pull away and ultimately lose them as friends. So I saw myself on the scale with so many burdens that weighed me down compared to my perception of my friends.

That was kind of a dramatic example and it isn’t always negative manifestations like that that occur. This theory can also help us develop healthy relationships such as finding a balanced, equal romantic relationship or  co-parenting.

Family systems theory: the family is a system that impacts each individual, and each individual impacts the family system. I think of this like a bunch of people in a  circle and they each have a string attached to every other individual in the circle. As you can imagine each move impacts every single other person. That is the family systems theory. This theory includes the positive and negative feedback from every interaction, rules made, boundaries set, and sub-systems created.

We each grew up different, with different rules and parents and siblings but one thing is for sure that we each were impacted by these rules, boundaries, and sub-systems.

An example I can think of from my life that might make this a little more understandable hopefully is that every night my family would gather together and say a family prayer and after the prayer we would give each other a kiss on the cheek. It was something you did and I loved it. Of course there were times where I was mad or annoyed and I wanted to do anything but give all of my family members a loving kiss on the cheek but that ended up causing even more hurt feeling and contention. I learned that I hate hurting people’s feelings and I like when everyone gets a turn or when everyone gets equal treatment and this probably isn’t the one thing why, but it makes sense to me.

I hope you were able to find some examples in your life of these theories and maybe they shine a light into some of your healthy or unhealthy behaviors. Share them in the comments!

Thanks for reading and I am excited to keep learning and growing.

- Emily